Not out of the woods yet

The weight loss was going great. My strength and flexibility were improving. I was challenging myself and growing my skill set. I was very happy with the physical stuff but what crept in from the recesses of my mind was my fear of an impending depression that I was sure would come. I could always figure out how to lose weight but I could never figure out how to keep it off - obviously since here I was again losing weight. Every time I'd lost weight in the past I would get to this plateau and "something would happen" that I never could pinpoint. This "thing" would then cause me to become pissed off at myself and in anger I'd punish myself for screwing up and then I'd eat crap and gain weight. If I could just figure out the "thing" that caused this, I could do something different?

I had this eating and exercising thing down and I knew nothing but my fears could stop me now. I needed to address this. How could I keep this depression that always came away. Was I clinically broken, did I need medication, was I bi-polar, was I depressed, what was wrong with me?

Somewhere along the way my eyes were opened to what part of the problem was. I stepped back and looked at my pattern from afar. I'd lose weight, become proud of myself, then I'd make a mistake and be so mad at myself for failing (because a mistake meant failure) that I'd punish me/love me with pleasurable food. The punishment was that I created a cycle of self-loathing to "show me" what a loser I was. The love part was that I thought I was soothing myself by giving into my desires for pleasure through food. WOW....what the hell!

I thought of my sweet 7 year old son who was a mini-perfectionist like his mom and I'd watched him be hard on himself and cry when he made a mistake and it broke my little heart. I'd grab him up and hug him and say "Sweetheart, it's just a mistake and those can be fixed. Everyone makes mistakes cause nobody is perfect...except Jesus....and we aren't Jesus". I'd then help him try to fix the mistake and all would be better. WHAT DID I JUST SAY? Hold up. WHAT DID I JUST SAY? What would happen if when I made a mistake, I grabbed myself up, wrapped my arms around myself and felt a mother's broken heart at the little girl inside me that was so destroyed by a mistake and I told that little girl, "Sweetheart, it's just a mistake and those can be fixed. Everyone makes mistakes cause nobody is perfect...except Jesus....and we aren't Jesus". If I fixed the mistake, what would that look like?

This process seemed silly to me...to be my own mom to my own little girl inside me and hug myself and tell myself that it was ok. I would allow both parts of me to exist...the little girl who felt the world would end because of a mistake that was surely unfixable and the mom who knew the world wouldn't end and that mistakes can be fixed. But it wasn't good enough to simple KNOW this...I had to go through the process of the mom in me telling the girl in me. I needed to show myself that gentleness and love.

When I did this, I realized that that depression wasn't going to come. That "something would happen" wasn't scary because nothing was unfixable. I didn't have to be that scared little girl who didn't know how to fix the mistake. I was a mom who could figure out how to fix things and could take care of the little girl. Just like my son could trust me and count on me and was never alone because I'd protect him and help him and love him and always be there for him....I could trust me and count on me and was never alone because I could protect myself and help myself and love myself and always be there for myself.

AHA! THAT was God's lesson. THAT was why I had to do this myself. Because in the end it's ME who has to take care of ME! I can't wait for someone else to love me. HE loved me, HE loves me, I love me, HE put HIM into me and can love me through me. It was all in ME.

I found it!

For years I had been an infomercial watcher/buyer. It was a weakness I had. I had owned so many boxed weight loss programs I could open a store. I had used very few of them. By the time the 6 - 8 weeks came around and I actually owned said program I was not motivated to try it.

This time was different. 

I had purchased the 21 Day Fix from beachbody. I had used beachbody programs in the past and they always really pumped me up but this one really focused on the eating part which was where my big problem was. The previous programs I'd tried focused on the workout and the eating plan seemed like this 'oh ya, read the book to see how to eat healthy' afterthought. So I didn't read the books, I did the workouts, until I quit from not seeing results because I overate my workouts. (Yes you CAN ruin what you do in the gym in the kitchen). 

This time was different.

The book was small - ok, that's not intimidating. I had seen the infomercial a hundred times so I already kind of knew what it was about. I flipped through the pages and the eating plan wasn't a stupid crazy plan where I had to eat 8 beets, 12 tomatoes, and a head of cabbage a day either. So...hmm....maybe I could do this. It was only 21 days. I could do anything for 21 days and if I really gave it 100% of my effort it's either going to help me stop this train wreck or ....well, I had nothing to lose. Since I have to do this alone and there was no scheduling problem or distance to drive, there was simply deciding that I wanted it. 

This time WAS different! 

I started by simply following the eating plan. I hated working out and in the past I had always fallen into this weird pit of working out = need to eat more cause I'm starving all the time. But so far I couldn't even eat all the food that I was supposed to eat each day and I felt like I had it down so....I needed to add the workouts. The workouts were hard and I knew I had a LOT of room for improvement. I couldn't even do what the modifier girl did. I was tired and sweaty from the 2 minute warm-up and I couldn't even do the full jumping jacks. I liked the fact that when I followed this eating plan I had enough energy each day to do the workouts which means it took less "willpower" of which I had none. I just followed the plan -- day after day -- I started an online group and posted how I was doing, asked others if they wanted to join me (crickets for a while) and just kept following the program. This wouldn't stop me though. The workouts weren't sabotaging my eating which was awesome! It did make it so that I ate all the food that was called for in a day. 

By week 2 I realized that this was working! I wasn't overeating, I wasn't lacking energy and dragging my tired butt upstairs to workout, I actually was seeing myself being able to do more and more, I was getting stronger, I had better balance, this was working!!! It's like this lady created a program that when you actually just do what she says you get what she says you'll get - Wow, what a novel concept! 

By week 3 (the end of 21 days) I had lost 11 lbs and my clothes were fitting better! I realized that I could do it. I was doing it! This isn't difficult....I found the recipe. Over the course of a few rounds I started keeping track of my measurements and I was seeing amazing results there too. For the first time in 20+ years I believed that I had this licked! I knew the recipe and if I followed it I would get the result because it was no longer a guessing game, it was a for sure win. Now it was up to me.

You have to do this alone

 I had to stop this train wreck. I couldn't go down this path again. I remember all the times in the past that I wished I would have been able to stop my upward gains and come back down. I knew logically that it would be much better to start losing weight weighing 200 than waiting until I got to 250. Just start now! What are you waiting for? 

I really started questioning myself. I started really looking at my behavior and I gave words to it....like self-talk but in a mentor/mentee type way instead of just bashing myself. "What are you doing? You are putting death into your body, hurting yourself, killing yourself with food AGAIN. You think it's giving your pleasure but that is the biggest lie you've ever believed. It's tricking you! You feeeeel pleasure on your tongue but it's killing you. It's leading you to diabetes, heart disease, discomfort at the very least, and self-punishment. It makes you hate you. Why do you want to hate you?" I learned many years ago that you can't believe people's WORDS you have to believe their ACTIONS. Anyone can say words and big woopty-doo-da, those take no energy. But when someone is DOING something then you know what they believe, what they are about, who they are. For years my words said "I hate being fat, look at my ugly body, I can't do it, I am such an idiot" and my actions said "I like being fat, I can't do it, I'm hiding". But I don't agree with that! The only way to tell the world that I didn't like being fat was to stop it. I was believing in the pleasure food gave me and ignoring the results of that pleasure. It came down to this: every choice has a consequence - if I choose pleasure in the mouth, I am saying that that pleasure is more important than everything I thought I wanted with thinness. But what if I changed that choice, what would I be saying then? If I changed the script in my head and instead chose pleasure in my clothes, activity and energy in my body, strength in my movements and forgot about my mouth then the consequence would be different. 

For years I chose what it took to be heavy! Now I have to choose what it takes every day to be thin! 

So I set out to find "help". Join a program, join a gym, find a class, let's stop this train wreck! I want to choose better. 

~ if you do what you've always done, you'll have what you've always had ~ 

For a few months I would find a class and it either wouldn't work into a schedule, it was way too far to drive, or I started a class and the instructor quit, I found a friend and the friend wasn't as motivated as me. I kept getting "messages" that I am alone! No one is going to help me! No one is going to join along side me and prop me up when I'm weak! This is on you! If you want it, prove it! Stop using others as an "excuse" to not get what you want! Prove it! You can't just say it, you have to do it! 

I fought this for a couple weeks, like a whiny child that is being to clean a room that is far too messy to clean by himself. But just like that whiny child, if he'd just use his time to start picking up one toy at a time, in a few minutes he'd have a lot less toys to clean up. 

Stop whining because you are only wasting your own time!!!

My mind started to change. Since I had been putting all my feelings into words, saying them out loud, changing my self-talk, asking myself questions, daring myself to put up or shut up, forcing myself to decide what I REALLY wanted by my actions, I was changing my mind. When you change your thoughts your behavior will follow and it works in reverse too...when you change your behavior your thoughts will follow. You really can't lose when you change! 

So I made up my mind. "Ok God - you say I am on my own - my husband can't help me, my friends can't help me, my trainer can't help me, I HAVE TO HELP ME - Ok.....FINE"! And in a very angry and defiant way I just accepted that message as the truth! 

No more excuses! If my husband chooses to eat crap, that doesn't mean I have to choose that. If my friends don't have the will to change yet, I don't have to give up my will. I am alone. I am my own person. Would I rather be fat with a group of folks or thin and alone. When it comes down to it, I'd choose skinny and alone because I'd gotten to a point where I was so sick of fighting this battle that I just wanted to stop fighting it! I knew that the likeliness of being thin and being alone was pretty scarce so I just needed to decide to LIVE like I wanted to LIVE - like a thin person.

Internal Storm Brewing

Inside me I felt uneasy. This couldn't be IT. I couldn't sustain this dragging every day. I had come so far but still had so far to go, right? I weighed about 180 at this time which was great! Don't get me wrong. This was the thinnest I had been in YEARS and so maybe I should just be happy about this? Ok...that was my new goal....I'm going to be happy as a size 14, 180 lbs woman because this was FAR BETTER than being a size 22/24, 256 lbs woman!!!!

I had heard Oprah, years ago say that there was a weight that your body would be comfortable at and would gravitate to. Maybe this was my "comfortable weight"? Maybe this was as good as it could get with all the fat cells that I had made over the years. I had visions of empty fat cells and filled up fat cells. I had pictures of fat blobs compared to muscle blobs. All the information about the body that I gathered over the years. I just tossed all the info into my brain and would try to make sense of it all.

All those skinny fit women in videos must have just been born that way. Well not me. I was German and Italian and there are some portly women from those places. I guess I couldn't fight my genetics?
It settled then, I will be happy at 180.

By this time I had given up processed food about 90% of the time, I questioned what was in everything I ate (not necessarily how it was prepared, just that it came from a natural, good source with no poisons), I was active now and so I could fudge a little hear and there and I'd work it off. This is what living life looks like....people don't count and track every single thing, I didn't want to be so obsessed. Well I ignored the scale for months and months, I didn't want to be a slave to that thing either, and ya my clothes were getting a little tighter but hey it was winter so maybe I was packing it on a little thicker. No biggie...at least I was still squeezing into a size 14....well I guess 16's were more comfortable and didn't give me as large of a muffin top hanging over my pants. Still better than 22/24!

The weather was changing and spring was in the air and I wanted to more comfortably fit into my 14's again. I got out that scale and WHAT???? I had gained 20 lbs on the dot. At my lowest I had gotten down to 178.8 and on this day I weighed 198.8 lbs! Holy shit! That is almost 200 again! Not again, not again, what is wrong with me? How did I let this happen?

I had to take a real honest look at what I DID to get here. Yes, I had stopped eating processed food, I had been not being as active as I was last year since we moved and I got busy and well....ok, I stopped exercising. But I hate exercising! I loved cheeseburgers too. That is a big problem. I was eating only grass fed beef though. But I was also adding the fries again (and the ranch sauce). Ok...I was back to eating like crap. But I don't want to track my food! This is such crap! Why can't I just be "one of those girls" that can just eat shit and not be fat?

I was basically falling into every thinking fallacy that I could have. I was thinking that "I was cured from the disease of fat"; "Why can't I be one of those girls who is naturally not obese"; "I'm eating no more poisons and toxins so that should equal healthy", "Eating healthy means having a nice body". Wrong, wrong, wrong.