You have to do this alone

 I had to stop this train wreck. I couldn't go down this path again. I remember all the times in the past that I wished I would have been able to stop my upward gains and come back down. I knew logically that it would be much better to start losing weight weighing 200 than waiting until I got to 250. Just start now! What are you waiting for? 

I really started questioning myself. I started really looking at my behavior and I gave words to it....like self-talk but in a mentor/mentee type way instead of just bashing myself. "What are you doing? You are putting death into your body, hurting yourself, killing yourself with food AGAIN. You think it's giving your pleasure but that is the biggest lie you've ever believed. It's tricking you! You feeeeel pleasure on your tongue but it's killing you. It's leading you to diabetes, heart disease, discomfort at the very least, and self-punishment. It makes you hate you. Why do you want to hate you?" I learned many years ago that you can't believe people's WORDS you have to believe their ACTIONS. Anyone can say words and big woopty-doo-da, those take no energy. But when someone is DOING something then you know what they believe, what they are about, who they are. For years my words said "I hate being fat, look at my ugly body, I can't do it, I am such an idiot" and my actions said "I like being fat, I can't do it, I'm hiding". But I don't agree with that! The only way to tell the world that I didn't like being fat was to stop it. I was believing in the pleasure food gave me and ignoring the results of that pleasure. It came down to this: every choice has a consequence - if I choose pleasure in the mouth, I am saying that that pleasure is more important than everything I thought I wanted with thinness. But what if I changed that choice, what would I be saying then? If I changed the script in my head and instead chose pleasure in my clothes, activity and energy in my body, strength in my movements and forgot about my mouth then the consequence would be different. 

For years I chose what it took to be heavy! Now I have to choose what it takes every day to be thin! 

So I set out to find "help". Join a program, join a gym, find a class, let's stop this train wreck! I want to choose better. 

~ if you do what you've always done, you'll have what you've always had ~ 

For a few months I would find a class and it either wouldn't work into a schedule, it was way too far to drive, or I started a class and the instructor quit, I found a friend and the friend wasn't as motivated as me. I kept getting "messages" that I am alone! No one is going to help me! No one is going to join along side me and prop me up when I'm weak! This is on you! If you want it, prove it! Stop using others as an "excuse" to not get what you want! Prove it! You can't just say it, you have to do it! 

I fought this for a couple weeks, like a whiny child that is being to clean a room that is far too messy to clean by himself. But just like that whiny child, if he'd just use his time to start picking up one toy at a time, in a few minutes he'd have a lot less toys to clean up. 

Stop whining because you are only wasting your own time!!!

My mind started to change. Since I had been putting all my feelings into words, saying them out loud, changing my self-talk, asking myself questions, daring myself to put up or shut up, forcing myself to decide what I REALLY wanted by my actions, I was changing my mind. When you change your thoughts your behavior will follow and it works in reverse too...when you change your behavior your thoughts will follow. You really can't lose when you change! 

So I made up my mind. "Ok God - you say I am on my own - my husband can't help me, my friends can't help me, my trainer can't help me, I HAVE TO HELP ME - Ok.....FINE"! And in a very angry and defiant way I just accepted that message as the truth! 

No more excuses! If my husband chooses to eat crap, that doesn't mean I have to choose that. If my friends don't have the will to change yet, I don't have to give up my will. I am alone. I am my own person. Would I rather be fat with a group of folks or thin and alone. When it comes down to it, I'd choose skinny and alone because I'd gotten to a point where I was so sick of fighting this battle that I just wanted to stop fighting it! I knew that the likeliness of being thin and being alone was pretty scarce so I just needed to decide to LIVE like I wanted to LIVE - like a thin person.