Inside me I felt uneasy. This couldn't be IT. I couldn't sustain this dragging every day. I had come so far but still had so far to go, right? I weighed about 180 at this time which was great! Don't get me wrong. This was the thinnest I had been in YEARS and so maybe I should just be happy about this? Ok...that was my new goal....I'm going to be happy as a size 14, 180 lbs woman because this was FAR BETTER than being a size 22/24, 256 lbs woman!!!!
I had heard Oprah, years ago say that there was a weight that your body would be comfortable at and would gravitate to. Maybe this was my "comfortable weight"? Maybe this was as good as it could get with all the fat cells that I had made over the years. I had visions of empty fat cells and filled up fat cells. I had pictures of fat blobs compared to muscle blobs. All the information about the body that I gathered over the years. I just tossed all the info into my brain and would try to make sense of it all.
All those skinny fit women in videos must have just been born that way. Well not me. I was German and Italian and there are some portly women from those places. I guess I couldn't fight my genetics?
It settled then, I will be happy at 180.
By this time I had given up processed food about 90% of the time, I questioned what was in everything I ate (not necessarily how it was prepared, just that it came from a natural, good source with no poisons), I was active now and so I could fudge a little hear and there and I'd work it off. This is what living life looks like....people don't count and track every single thing, I didn't want to be so obsessed. Well I ignored the scale for months and months, I didn't want to be a slave to that thing either, and ya my clothes were getting a little tighter but hey it was winter so maybe I was packing it on a little thicker. No biggie...at least I was still squeezing into a size 14....well I guess 16's were more comfortable and didn't give me as large of a muffin top hanging over my pants. Still better than 22/24!
The weather was changing and spring was in the air and I wanted to more comfortably fit into my 14's again. I got out that scale and WHAT???? I had gained 20 lbs on the dot. At my lowest I had gotten down to 178.8 and on this day I weighed 198.8 lbs! Holy shit! That is almost 200 again! Not again, not again, what is wrong with me? How did I let this happen?
I had to take a real honest look at what I DID to get here. Yes, I had stopped eating processed food, I had been not being as active as I was last year since we moved and I got busy and well....ok, I stopped exercising. But I hate exercising! I loved cheeseburgers too. That is a big problem. I was eating only grass fed beef though. But I was also adding the fries again (and the ranch sauce). Ok...I was back to eating like crap. But I don't want to track my food! This is such crap! Why can't I just be "one of those girls" that can just eat shit and not be fat?
I was basically falling into every thinking fallacy that I could have. I was thinking that "I was cured from the disease of fat"; "Why can't I be one of those girls who is naturally not obese"; "I'm eating no more poisons and toxins so that should equal healthy", "Eating healthy means having a nice body". Wrong, wrong, wrong.
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