I completed a 28 year cycle of emotional growth May 1, 2018. This is a progressed Moon cycle that began in January of 1991. At that time I was a new adult, graduated from high school, living on my own, deciding how to express my freedom, and dating my first husband. I'm not sure if I can give a theme to that whole cycle but I know for most of it I was frustrated and not feeling all of the emotions that I experienced. I know that I was not yet obese and that my weight gain is 100% emotionally based. So my weight plays a significant role in how I experience or whether I experience my feelings.
Here I am now.
My moon crossed over the Ascendant (AC) in May, came into the light again. I felt new sensitivity as would be expected with the Cancery intuition conjunct my AC. I remember that although I could feel more of what others were thinking, I still didn't really know what to do with it other than block myself. I was heavily using gemstones to help me get through that time whereas now essentially do not. I was trying on some new ways of handling the energy I got from others. As the Moon moved away from my AC I became a bit more comfortable I would say but what was coming is now here and that is my progressed Moon moving into Scorpio.
With a late Libra AC my new Moon cycle would get 3 degrees of Libra in my 1st house to get used to being in the light again I suppose but then would begin a 2 1/2 year stint in Scorpio mostly in the 1st house although it will end in the 2nd. Progressed Moon in Scorpio means entering a time of emotional death. Through this death a new transformed something will come. But with all the power of Pluto the tearing down and plunging into fear, darkness, depths, and force will have to happen first.
So here I am with my analytical Aquarius natal Moon watching myself go toward the edge of my cavern while also experiencing it and fighting the moments of detaching into my ethereal bliss. I can feel what I've been calling "my cavern" since my Moon came into the 1st. It's a black, dark, deep pit that lives within me around my 2nd chakra. It started with feeling a pit deep inside me that felt the urge to cry and break down. It's an overwhelming and overbearing feeling. As I began to form a picture in my mind of what this place is like I cold hear the depth through an echoing of water dripping. Now that I'm edging closer and closer to the edge the pit has become far more terrifying!
Now my mind is creating visualizations of a large (the size of a building) set of three churning metal cylinders with metal spikey teeth protruding from them as they churn inward toward each other. Clearly anything that falls in there will be pulverized into dust! There is no question about that. The sound of dripping water has been replaced with clanking metal and screeches like that of a factory. I look over the edge of my cavern and I know that I will enter this pit because I must. It is how the part of me that must die will die. It is the scariest thing I've ever felt. It has been revealed to me which part of me will die which is why the picture my mind forms is hardened, crushing, metal. It is the hardened, steel, crushing part of me that was once needed to survive my life and is no longer needed. She protected my girl for my entire life and now for them to join together and become one being who is ME, my hardened steel part must be pulverized out of her lone existence.
In order to survive my childhood trauma I split myself into beings essentially. My feeling girl who was hurt so deeply when she was 3 or 4 is still in me. She feels SO strongly and has been living dormant, locked away inside me for 42 years. My strong, fighter girl locked her away to protect her. My strong girl protected us all by becoming steel that would crush and destroy anyone who could hurt us. I have another girl that can cloak us all into ethereal bliss and we are removed from any room, anywhere, with any people instantly. Rediscovering my little girl has been beautiful! It has allowed me to remember a time in my life when I was good. I never thought I had a good heart, I thought I was always heartless, unfeeling, and uncaring and that that was just how God made me. Then I had my memory of my trauma and could feel that little girl and how innocent she is. She has a beautiful freedom and joy in her that just basks in life. She is warmth. She is so incredibly knowledgeable and seeing. She is my Venus in Cancer, my only water placement. As I've gotten to know her I've seen how she's also stronger than I ever realized! She's stronger than my hard, steel girl because she doesn't fear. She is water. She can't be destroyed. She exists courageously everywhere but also very quietly. She feels everything
When I look over the edge into my cavern my girl sits. Her emotion is calm as she is not afraid. The illusion of the gnashing metal does not affect her. While she is sorry that I'm scared she knows that she cannot save me or rescue me she can only be with me as I pass through.
The walls around me push me closer to this edge. Falling into the pit is not avoidable. I either choose to do it or I'll be pushed by the environmental walls that are coming closer and closer, much like that part in a Star Wars movie where the four walls are moving inward to crush the people. My environment is having these catastrophes that are causing me to feel my pit harder, bigger, more potently and I can just feel them pushing me to my breaking point. I hate all of this. I can't fight it but I try. Time is my big concern right now. I have two more weeks of this summer term in grad school and really don't want to have to experience some tumultuous emotional transformation right now. But this timing may in fact be the perfect timing and it's just illogical to my brain. God always knows. So I have my hard girl deathly afraid of dying. She's negotiating and trying to flee and hide and just simply afraid. She trying to warn people of her death as she knows that words from her won't be valid soon. I have my logic brain that says "this really isn't the best time, can we do this in two weeks"? And my water girl who is hanging out down in my pit near a beautiful waterfall enjoying the nature.
No comments:
Post a Comment